Wheels within wheels

Everything feels cyclical at the moment.  I planted the allotment and now we are into harvest, eat and store.  The coriander has shot off so I'm drying bunches upside down in bags, to catch the seeds.  Some for storing, some for sowing,

Every day begins with tea, then coffee, ends with wine.  That's not healthy and whilst I am working on that I do wonder how I got here. Small person was watching Kung Fu Panda fighting bad guys the  other day and in an attempt to connect with the snarling child I asked "ooh, how does he do that, does he have magic powers?" "No mom!" He snapped.  "He is using inner peace!".  Lucky him, peace and agility, mind you he doesn't have a 7 year old moaning "I'm bored" every 15 minutes.

To be clear, small person goes to various camps throughout the summer. This is week 6 of a 10 week summer break. He has been rock climbing, scooting, played floor hockey, soccer, basket ball. He has painted a cheetah, learnt circus skills, been whale spotting.  Hardship is not on his list of things to gripe about.  He also had a week hanging out with me, unplugged and "entertain ourselves".   That's when the boredom first surfaced. I was searching for a metaphor yesterday to explain to my husband what it feels like to have a bored child complaining for days.  I think I found it...imagine you are on a 8 hour flight with a kid in the seat behind who keeps kicking your seat, nonstop except when he is eating.  That's where the tea, coffee, wine come in...although that's not his doing, that's my lack of panda inner peace at play.

So what to do? We went out for a meal last night, nothing fancy.  Small person was stroppy and octopus arms.  He knocked over a glass of wine that soaked daddy chest to crotch.  So we are  now avoiding public places.  Small person has struck a deal to have "big brother play dates" with the 4 year old son of close friends.  They played together for hours on Saturday with next to no drama, so that is looking great.  Camping? We are test driving our new tent next weekend...hopefully 24 hours without electricity will bring some calm. Plus we are camping down inToronto near the British Grocer, so we can restock the beans and Branston on the way home!

I am cutting out the wine from today, for all of August. We'll see how that works out.  Work wise, still underwater but my latest plan is foolproof...go home on time.  That way I will have time to exercise and I can spend time with the small person  (short bursts...nothing too planned). He hates me at the moment because I am mean.  Daddy and I call it parenting.  Small person calls it mean. I don't think kids should play out in the semi dark at 9.30 at night; I don't care if his friends are out running the streets. don't think that watching grand theft auto is okay for kids aged 6 to 8. I don't care if his friends play it all the time. I don't agree that the TV should be on at meal times; and our latest point of contention...if we are going out somewhere as a family, daddy and I don't want to bring street kids with us.  So all in all a lot of disagreements and "mean mum", door slamming, some bad language.  So grounded a fair bit...which...wait a minute, means he stuck in with me and boredom.  Hmmm, he has his own little cycle of life going on there.

#need 2 days alone at a spa.

Talking of circles a recommend this cool online class exploring Mandalas. It's fabulous, if a little addictive

Namaste

Day 6 at sea...

Day six and we are surviving on only 6 meals a day. There are rumours that Rennies and Tums may need to be rationed such is the quantity of food consumed ship wide and the extreme size of many of the passengers.  Absent mindedly I got in the elevator yesterday to go up one floor...embarrassed I apologies to the ladies in the lift. "It's okay dear, there is no judgement on the ship!".  Really? We have been people watching and judging since day one.  It's what we do best.

We have seen 20 Stone people eat mountains of food from the comfort of immobility scooters before rolling over everyone to get by.  People who think it is acceptable to clear their sinus' and hock up snot in any public place.  We deduce that that is a cultural thing as so many folks who look alike are doing it with no qualms.  People drinking themselves into a drunken blur with minutes of boarding the ship. Old people acting like teenagers, loud and tipsy.  Worst of all is the rudeness that some people display to the staff. Or lack of courtesy like saying thank you or acknowling people with a smile. 

I wasn't sure what to expect having never cruised before but I have found that I have a physical discomfort and guilt about having access to so much when the staff have so much less. I can't imagine how that feels, to see people indulge so much around you, and you are away from your family for 9 months. The staff are all very cheerful and professional but I can't escape the fact that if they had greater choices in life many wouldn't be doing this.  Yes, part of our affluence is because we have worked hard, but the fact that we were born into an affluent, free and stable society is a huge factor in why we are lounging about eating fresh baked cookies every afternoon contemplating "Spa or sleep?"

But we are enjoying ourselves despite my social angst.  We are pretty much busy doing nothing. Small person continues to refuse to go ashore. He stays in the fun club for every available minute. I have bearly seen him all week which is a shame as I wanted to sit and read stories together.  But that was never going to happen as he can't sit still and " reading is boring".

We check him in to the kids club after breakfast and collect him at tea time, feed him, let him chill watching Danger Mouse on the iPad then check him back in at 7pm for play until 10.30pm.  Then he demands more food ( last night he had cookies, fish fingers and nachos on the same plate ). He gets to bed around 11.30pm and falls asleep in seconds.  With the long days of sun it feels earlier as it is daylight until midnight.

We have wobbled ashore without him - to Juneau, Skagway and earlier today Ketchican I think it was called. Strange towns surviving in part on selling diamonds ( not from Alaska ), T-shirts and other souvenirs, made in China, to cruise ship passengers largely made up of Chinese people. We are reminded of Cornwall, for the weather, and the Lake District for the foliage and terrain...although no Kendle mint cake here.  Nothing much to buy that is made locally by locals. The guide who took us tree walking and zip lining described Skagway as being like Disney Land...It kind of was.  

We sail onwards, arriving in Canada tomorrow pm, in BC. Looking forward to that but we are not going ashore until after the kids theatre show at 4pm where small person and his friends ( all newly appointed junior Rangers and pirates after a week of adventures) are staging a circus show. Bless them, they have been practicing all week...it's serious stuff.

Would we cruise again? Small person - "yes, yes, yes!"; husband - "dunno"; me - if they both said yes, then yes. It's been a new experience, and a good one.  But living on the set of Walli is just a little odd.  Hey you, pass me my hover chair, I'm due an apple pie smoothie about now!

Heading West

Yay! On holiday as a family for the first time in forever. Leaving for the airport in an hour for the short hop to Seattle where we have rented a tiny house on Airbnb. We have 2 full days in Seattle over Independence Day then it's onto a cruise ship for a week of adventures - we get to visit Canada on the cruise...can't wait.  Packing is very methodical chez Fiona.  I boss everyone around and they either go with that or put up futile resistance.  I think we have packed it all but we always forget one thing which we only discover when it is too late.

I tried to pack light but I think we will visit climate changes from Scorcio to soggy. Small person gets to pick three stuffies to take on the adventure.  My money's on Georgie the Monkey who got lost last year and then arrived home like new in the post some weeks later.  Yesterday small person revealed to me that he knows is not the same Georgie " I call it Georgie 2". The innocence is ebbing away.

When I say I tried to pack light I don't include my wheely case full of wool, acrylic paint, paper and Gouache...I am allowed to take what I want...others sacrifice their weight allowance.  We are trying to go internet free but apparently we need to take a laptop and an iPad so that we can watch movies.  My plan for the cruise is rest, exercise, paint, read.  My husband will do that too, sans paint.

Small person has announced that he "just wants to hang out in the pool and relax" which sees us sighing as that will involve effort on our part too.  Hopefully the kids club will be so awesome that we get an hour or two each day to do nothing.  Small person is planning late nights as the kids clubs closes at 10.30.  He has been practicing "fancy eating" after we told him that cruises are posh.  It involves eating with his mouth closed and taking the food to his face not his face to the plate. Despite his best efforts I imagine we won't be eating in a smart restaurant...he is not public friendly at the moment...loud and wriggley.

Taxi beckons.

Happy holidays!

Shrimps eh!

We were discussing dinner earlier and agreed that we should get the shrimps out of the freezer...without hesitation or translations we both said shrimps. We are assimilating and neither of us felt the need to say Prawns.  My husband realized what had happened and tried to argue that shrimps are larger than prawns so it wasn't a language thing but a anthropological thing. Nice try but no.  We are adapting.

But it works both ways. When I dropped small person at art class yesterday the owner told me to collect him at "harf past"...ha, I called her on it " you spoke English!" She laughed and said " I know, I hoped no one noticed eh!"

Small person and his little friend are upstairs playing lego something on the Xbox.  When I was a kid we didn't need a tv to play lego, we just built with our hands. They played Just Dance earlier.  I was in the kitchen cooking but it's all open plan.  The computer spotted me and added me to the game.  I'm not a great cook but when their game ended I had won!  They were indignant.  I guess my tuna pasta beat their One Direction best song ever.

Fathers Day today so small person and I made an effigy of daddy in pancakes, with maple syrup eyes.  Full concentration, tongue out as small person crafted the hair and nose. Then after breakfast daddy went out shopping...his best treat to be free of us for a few hours.  Small person was not impressed as in his head we should be doing " a fun family thing" all together. But as we are off on holiday in 10 days we need to save our pennies so as daddy has the car we cycled to the local froghurt shop and ate mountains of watery froghurt then cycled home.  I'm hoping the effort burnt off the calories but I doubt it.

I'm off to USA tomorrow for the week ( what happened in my life to make that statement not exciting ?). I guess I grew up, a bit. Anyhow the garden needed attention unless I wanted to return to a jungle, so weed whacking and strimming took place. Small person offered to help water the plants.  I nervously agreed and told him just to use the settings of Shower or Mist. "Not jet?" No, not jet.

Then I went to the front garden to tidy that ( another assimilation thing...in Canada it's all about kerb appeal. Everyone in our street has a pristine front garden so I comply with that norm.) When I go back to the back yard the fences are dark brown and dripping, the trees are dripping and a small person stands angelic with the hose on Shower. "did you use the jet spray?" No Mom, you said no Jet!  The face of an angel...with a twinkle in his eyes that confessed "I just blasted everything!"

When daddy gets back with the car I'm off out to buy orthotics...a damaged ankle and tendons see me hobbling every morning and sitting with my foot in a bag of ice every night. Birkenstocks are in my immediate future, then clumpy lace ups.  I have agreed to complete that "couch to 5k" app and have gotten as far as downloading the app...need to get some proper shoes so that it doesn't turn into couch to wheelchair in 2 weeks.

Happy Sunday, Happy Fathers Day especially to my dad who is in the wars at the moment. Thinking of you.

May ramblings

It's bloomin' hot today. Small person, exhausted from a weekend of cub camp and a late night trip to the Hindu Mandir is on full volume. He had to do a presentation on Friday, he tells me that he "did eye contact, straight back and level 3 voice". I think we are hearing level 5 at home.  Too tired to cook we went out for dinner and he ordered Pepsi. We are paying for that now.

So since I last blogged I have weeded and planted my 1200 sq ft allotment; worked for free for 20 hours each week...sadly not voluntary work although I may do some of that this weekend as the foodbank team are planting up a new garden along side mine. Small person has settled into his extra lessons after school with medium wailing. He continues to moan about what he does not have and not see what he does have, but he is only 7 and at that age things are very black and white.  He does have super sweet moments...at cub camp a "Harry potter man" gave the Cubs some powder that the threw into the flames after speaking a gratitude.  Small person was thankful for all of the new friends that he has made.  On a school trip today to an Art gallery he told the teacher that "my mom is an artist".

Last week as I was walking to the shops some youths in a jacked up car sped up the road like they were in a computer game, almost mounting the pavement.  I told small person about it and that they had laughed at me as I got well away.  They were clearly stoned, but I didn't tell small person that part.  Small person tells me " they laughed at you because you are fat". Really? "Yes, you do no exercise, you never work out, you sit on the phone all day"... Mummy's little angel!

So in the weeks ahead we hope to get our visa approved as it runs out in 4 days #immigrants. We have another trip planned to the water park; school breaks up in 4 weeks; we cruise to Alaska in 5 weeks.  I have to go to the gym; negotiate my way out of excess work hours; have a spa day and go into the office to gain access to the shared drive, and to participate in a community service knitting bee... Weird world.

 I have set myself some goals...that I will be back to part time hours by September, having relinquished  some of my work; I will also be a stone lighter at least and  will have bought a car #freedom. Oh, and I want a printing press!

Better shared or kept in my head?

Late last year I won a gift card in an online auction. It was for some hypnosis sessions.   They were pretty cool, very relaxing and they are helping me to lose some weight and break the cycle of fat, get thin, get fat, get thin.  I get to listen to CDs each day and I settled down yesterday evening to do that. "small person, I need 30 mins of peace to listen to my tapes. Got it?"  "Yes mom!"  No going out, no one comes in...got it?  "Yes mom"

15 mins later as I drift into relaxation ..."mom, can my friend come in to play? Mom! Mom! Mom, can you hear me? Can my friend come into to play? Mom, I'm talking to you".  Hmmm

Then stomp stomp stomp up the stairs, I hear two small boys open my office door..."mom, can my friend come in?"  I say nothing...so they proceed to tickle my feet to get me to wake up.  What's the point eh?  Maybe relaxation is for other people. Cd on Pause, life back on Play.

It's been an exhausting long long week, working 12 hours a day and whilst that is horrible there is another layer to it that made it nasty.  There were no emergencies, no one was trapped in a mine shaft, no one had 46 minutes of air left...it was just that a volume of work was some how cranked to very loud. I'm reminded of that story about the frog in a pot.  If you drop it in boiling water it will notice that for sure. If you put it in cold water and warm it slowly it doesn't notice it for a long long time. I think I am the frog in that pot and the water got my attention. It's a big pot and there are lots of us in it. I worry that frog soup is the future at work.  I did some stuff to turn the heat down for me and frogs around me but weekends do see me puzzling how to break this cycle...as you are readling now.

Before my live hypno session the hypno lady asked a question from nowhere that is rattling around in my head..."do you count summers?".  " sorry I don't understand what you mean" "do you count summers, how many more summers you might have on earth? Do you understand how little time there is in a lifetime? If you understand that you will focus on enjoying life, enjoying the summers. If you don't focus on that, and live busy, just doing the everyday and you miss an opportunity to enjoy life to the full"...do I count summers?  Yes, sort of I guess. For 20 years I have known that the pursuit of wealth and status will not bring me happiness. What brings me happiness is the joy in a single day, that adds up to a joyful week that adds up to a joyful month, you get the idea.

I have tried to articulate this to people for years to help them live life to the full.  I struggle to articulate it in a way that they can see past their concern that I am a anti establishment anarchist hippy...I'm not, I'm a hardworking person whose priorities include " me and mine" in equal or greater measure to paid work.  I guess it's none of my business how other people choose to live their lives  but having "got it" 20 years ago I feel compelled to pay that knowledge forward. Live your life, have fun. Sit in the sun and do nothing regularly.

So for today's joy small person and I are off to Niagara to ride water slides...not down the Falls.  Then off to the botanical garden to buy seeds for the season ahead. Happy days

Happy days to all
Namaste

8,000 and counting

We walked to the park today and I sat in the sun for an hour as small person played soccer.  Nothing too remarkable in that, other than that yesterday we woke up to an inch of snow and he had to do his egg hunting in a parka.  He came in half way to get gloves as it was so cold. Today, no snow anywhere, sun out, sun glasses on.  Energized by that burst of vitimin D I just popped into Home Depot to get some spring colour but sadly nothing to buy.  A few more weeks before a pansy or primrose appears.

It was strangely nostalgic to be looking for spring plants. Having spent the first 16 years of my working life in horticulture Easter has pretty much been the colourful, busy start to the season. But that was an ocean away as here everything is still sleeping, ready to wake up in a few weeks for 3 days of Spring before going turbo into Summer.  But still, the environment was reassuring.  I reminisced about how much less stressful life was when I was managing a garden centre. But nostalgia isn't real, those days were no less stressful if I'm honest, it was just that I had other problems to solve back then.

I have just announced to my husband that "I am ****ing sick of problem solving at work.  Why is everything so bloody complicated?"  And as I compare now to 25 years ago I can see the same patterns.  Maybe that's what drew me to Home Depot, maybe I was looking for a familiar less complicated environment?  Back then I had mountains of work to do, limited people to do that work, new stuff arriving all of the time and the challenge was to work out what would die first (plants that is not people, although...).  The days were long, days off were spent at work, or were frowned upon as Laziness.  So roll forward 25 years, same jigsaw pieces, new stuff arriving, not enough people, nothing dying persay but having to choose what to do and, most days, what not to do.

A year ago I was micro stressing that my inbox was approaching 2000 emails, most read but many unactioned.  Last week my inbox hit 8000 emails, around 80 unread, the rest read and waiting for someone to do something.  Maybe these emails are the Pansy's and primroses, fresh and eager when they arrive then gradually they die away, unloved, untended as I frantically squirt water at a fire elsewhere.  What does any of this tell me?  It tells me that I am drawn to jobs that cannot be fully completed; where the daily chore is not mostly doing the work, but is mostly arranging the work into piles and then doing maybe 3 key things each day.  It tells me that whatever hours I put in there will always be a mountain more to do.

So as I sat in the sun, in Canada...in Canada for goodness sake!...most days I don't even recognize tht I am here.  Life in conference calls has no sense of presence.  I sat in the sun and vowed that enough is enough.  I don't want to spend every night and weekend on email.  I do want to have the energy to drag my son away from the iPad, I want to live outdoors, feel the sun everyday, not just at weekends. I am reclaiming my life from that side of my personality that works non stop.  I am a part timer and from now on I am going to deliver that dream.  Let battle commence.