C is for Cats, and Christmas and Complicated

Sitting watching one of the cats exploring the Christmas tree.  It's past their bed time as by now they usually would have trotted down to the basement to eat their dinner. Who said cats can't be trained? But I don't do feeding, I was away when the cat related jobs were dished out. Husband got feeding, small person got cuddling and playing and I got poo and puke. I have enquired as to whether I can appeal but it seems not, so long as 2/3 of the group are happy with their roles the status quo remains..

But these guys need feeding as hubby is out at the second of 3 Christmas "do's". Something you don't get to go to when you work from home as there is no one to "do" with.  Not a huge drama as I'm not a fan of social events but it has been interesting to see lots of happy faces on twitter having lunches and parties. It has made me see how virtual my life is some weeks.  Work remains busy as those seasonal lulls don't seems to happen these days but I am looking forward to a few days off over Christmas.

There is around 6" of snow outside but it's minus 1 so mild for the time of year I guess. Small person had the day off school because it was very snowy first thing and I am a soft touch when he gets stroppy. He spent the morning watching tv before, at 1pm, realizing his friends were off school too, and then spent over 3 hours playing out in the snow. My theory is that kids are kids for a short while so they should have fun and play. You get to be a grown up for a long while, have fun whilst you can.

I'm stuck in limbo over this immigration issue...we need to get residency but because I put the wrong papers in we were sent down a snake back to square one and then the rules changed. They work out your points differently now and so now we get nix for having jobs here and being educated overseas. We are waiting to see if we can apply, paying hundreds to get someone to validate my qualifications which is both annoying and insulting.  We are hoping that my work can help, but that seems to have paused as folks discuss costs. All the motivation in the world can drain away fast when someone argues your life in a country over a few thousand dollars.  On a positive we know we are here for the next 18 months but we don't want to leave and we are a good deal.  We work hard, we give back...its tough in limbo.  I want to paint a wall; buy a house with big windows; plant a tree.  But you can't do that in limbo. It's not possible.

So I set a happy plan in motion- take a month off in the summer, have a rest, paint, visits lakes, spend time with family. Seems that that is asking too much also. Too valuable for that much time off, not valuable enough to retain here.  It's amazing how complicated things get when you move abroad and how silly and bureaucratic things can be, so much can be lost but for some common sense.

Oh well, 🐱 🐱 need food and there's poop to scoop
Until the next time
Namaste

Equal Rights for Women

It's some months since my last post mostly because I have been distracted by life - much of that good, some not so much. Beef stew in cooking in the oven awaiting suet dumplings. Vegan spice lentil soup is slow cooking and beets are boiling on the stove before peeling. The house is clean, the washing is done thanks to my husband, as is the way of the world in 2016. Well my world at least.

The country south of here may soon elect a despot who has on his list of crazy that he will appoint judges who likely will overturn laws that say men and women are equal. Let me say that slowly "women will have less rights than men".  This is not about equal pay this is about equal rights. It's hurting my head because I cannot understand how anyone can believe people aren't equal. How dare anyone believe that they are a better human than me.  It's like all of us outside that country just discovered the land that time forgot. I feel betrayed and lied to.  I was sold a higher moral power; a benevolent democracy built on equality.  I watched it for year have great TV shows and cool candy; fight bad guys; liberate people from despotism; beautiful strong people who come together in a crisis.  What went wrong?  I come from a European community that has put people first for decades.  Yes that's in free fall but I don't recall anyone amidst Brexit say "Boys are better than girls.

So that's a shadow that has hovered over my life for months now.  Folks say "but you don't live south of here, what's it got to do with us?" and that makes my stomach knot up.  I go to work in that country every day, all be it via technology.  The time, before planes and phones, when people could live as one country are long over.  The world changed exponentially over the last 10 years - we are all on one blue ball floating in space.  We are not North Korea who froze time and locked the doors.  I have no answers"...if I had faith I'd be praying right now.  I believe in humanity - and that good will win over evil.  I guess that counts as a faith. I'll focus on that as I go to work in that country each day, all be vicariously.

Friends and colleagues joke that they will move up here - to a land where just this morning the PM went on social media to celebrate Diwali and say how our diversity is our gift to the world.  I don't know if they will be let in - I know I am struggling with the process to stay. A lawyer told me this week that I have "less chance than a Chinese restaurant worker who speaks no English".  He wasn't being racist - he was simply describing the immigration law changes that in his words are "a screw up" and have inadvertently disadvantaged people in professional roles.  No idea what the way ahead is from here - but we are trying to put a positive head on. I don't want to move to an England that isn't European.  I don't know that place.  We may end up in Scotland in the land of my ancestors...who knows.  Ironically I have the papers to move to the land south of here but that's not appealing clearly.

So if you add all of that together you see that we cant make any financial plans - we are in limbo between worlds.  Whilst we just carry on with life, looking for chinks of light that will move us forward I do find my self in tears most days - exhausted by all of the thinking.  Headed into winter already in a funk...my focus now being me, my health first and formost.  Because I don't live in that 1950's world where men work and woman sew...I win bread and to do that I need to stay well.

Namaste

Being yourself - how hard can that be right?

The world in the last month has been a terrifying and inspiring place to live.  Acts of horror, acts of stupidity, acts of ignorance and intolerance and through all of that the bright lights of humanity.  I'm focussed on those...the people who talk about love, understanding and finding solutions. I'm less interested in the people calling for bigger walls, more visas and musing about the good old days that frankly were pretty sucky from what my gran taught me.

I'm very lucky in that my work surrounds me with great thinkers and some of the greatest humanitarians I have ever met.  They don't just roll their eyes at intolerance, they take actions that calls it for what it is and offer solutions.  We have talked a lot this week at work about bias and unconcious bias and it's so great because I have heard tens of people tell others about why this is an issue and how they can address it.  It's the "using it" stage of a project we a have been working on for over 2 years.  My part was tiny, so not seeking credit here...but it made me realize where I really get my buzz at work and at home....its when something is used, liked, loved, lived.  For me it's not about building new stuff or buying new stuff it's about people using that stuff, and then ( the best bit ) telling others about the stuff. It's about seeing the stuff used in a way that changes behaviour for good.

This week saw my husband turn 50, and I'll follow him there in the next 2 years....for a while now I have been focussed on what I want to be doing when I am 50, and equally what I don't want to be doing.  As an introvert smart arse my head is like a toddler crashing around a department store, so department 50 pops up randomly in thoughts alongside fitness, immigration, taxation, female health, child development, social media, agriculture, coffee, world events, Britishness, Scottishness, holidays, housework ( that's actually a lie, there is no housework department in my store - I'm following that principle of greasy hair...leave it long enough and it self cleans ) weight control, community, the world of the 8 year old and the ever popular " when's dinner?" department.

So how does this all tie together, as blogs law says it must?

Well I have identified where my energy comes from at this stage in my life and I have identified what drives me to distraction / takes up time that can just be better spent.  I believe that time is my greatest gift to me and others...whether that's as a part time worker, what is the best I can give my company in the time I'm there?. In the community, at the farm, all they ask is for my time and they are so grateful for it.  The people that I am newly mentoring at work really just want my time, they have the answers they just need to talk them through.  My son needs time with me, even though we are struggling to find something that we both do together...I suspect I need to be more flexible there. My husband is zen in most things..our time together includes date night to seek Star Trek this month! We live the high life!  So having worked all of that out...what's the next step?

Great question, that's the being true to myself part from the post title.  Working on that. All ideas gratefully received.

Namaste

Thank you Elizabeth

I'm just back from a fabulous week in the woods in New Hampshire. Four sleeps interspersed with art classes, fresh air, way too much food and wonderful people. This was my first visit to Spring Squam as for the last two years I have gone along to the Autumn retreat. ( I'm still not Canadian enough to say Fall - feels phoney when I say it).

What is Squam? Where to begin?  To me it's a virtual community of people, many of whom I will never meet, who are amazing, brave, smart, creative, sooo creative.  Knitters, painters, writers, photogs, weavers, stitchers, poets, printers....anything and everything creative.

Thanks in unmeasurable amounts to the wonderful Elizabeth, some of this sparkling community meet at art retreats through the year, a few based on Squam lake, NH.  That's where I go.  She had a vision or a need to gather a tribe, so she did. I admire her immensely, more than I can articulate. Last fall on the opening ceremony she shared some of her life journey, some of the earlier struggles with darkness.  I had that journey too.  I walked that path. I understand how far it is from there to here, and what effort it takes to move into the sunlight and out of the purple.  

I probably exchanged ten words with Elizabeth over the weekend, as I don't do a lot of deep talking at Squam, and I'm introverted and British. At Squam I like to listen and feel. There is some thinking but I try not to gorge on that.  Feelings are difficult for me as they are unfamiliar, unused and some are blocked.  Strangely maybe, i judge how relaxed and present I am at Squam by how long it takes me to  cry once I am there.  If you've walked the path you'll understand that.  If you haven't, let it go.  

So I never say outloud to Elizabeth how much I appreciate her making Squam for us. Thank you Elizabeth.  Thank you.

Oh and if that makes it sound sad or too woo woo...it isn't. It's the best fun ever. Lots and lots of laughing and meeting new and old friends.  Best of times!

What they don't tell you when you move abroad

So you decide to move to another country, you fill in endless forms, lots of photos are taken and eventually if you are really lucky you move abroad.  If you are even luckier your work has people who do lots of that work for you.

Then you've been abroad for a while, worked out that you can't get credit as your financial history is not locally grown. You work through that, walk a lot until you can get " you're not from around here" expensive finance for a car.  You work through that.

Then the place you left wants to see your income in your new home,  so you share that as you believe it's always better to overpay than underpay...karma gets you refunds. Then the place you live in wants to see what money, if any, you have in the land you came from.  You have next to nothing there but karma rules apply so you fill in all of the forms.  Surprisingly large numbers of people offer the idea that you should hide details. You don't do that. That's not who you are.

Then the land that you came from says pay them money, so you do. Then the land that you live in says "oops, we mucked up, you owe us" so you pay that.  Then before you know it its tax season again so you repeat all of the above.  You believe in paying tax because when you think about it you think about funds for education and cancer care.  You think about people who need that money.  You also think about arseholes who avoid tax, in small and large amounts, but you can't change that so you move on.

Then you think "I like it here, I'd like to stay".  You're good people, you do community stuff because your life maths is to put in more than you take out of society.  Yes, let's stay here, maybe even buy a house.  That's when you remember that you are a temp here. Not a proper person ( apart from when it's about tax...then you're a fully fledged proper person).  So you speak to smart legal people about becoming a proper person here.  They shake your world by telling you that might or might not be possible; it will certainly cost money to find out and by the way, as a temp you'll have to leave in 18 months.  That's what Temp means.  Endless temping isn't allowed any more.

So you have the land that you came from saying "close your bank account, you don't live here"; you have the land you live in seeing you as transient. You are faced with the prospect of opening a bank account in a tax haven, which is ironic as you only have a few quid but you do need a way to pay each month for the kids you sponsor in Haiti and Africa. You must maintain that commitment. It's very important.

So you spend your wedding anniversary, on a rainy Sunday morning, applying for phase one of a seven phase process to stay in the country you live in. Your 8 year old son is at a laser tag party with his hard won friends and his strong Canadian accent.  He got a new shirt last week that says "proud to be Canadian" but he tells you he can't wear it yet as he's saving it for special, for Canada Day, July 1st.

That!

Three sisters helping my soul

Beautiful surprise yesterday...it was 21 degrees and I was at the allotment clearing my new, additional plot. On March 26th, not that long ago, I was out with my camera taking pictures of trees encased in ice...Spring in Canada is like no season I have ever known.  Is the last of the snow behind us?  maybe,, we shall see.   But the sun and the warmth is so uplifting.

I went out earlier this morning, wearing my new fit bit.  A gift from my husband after his recent trip to the UK.  I hadn't asked for one but small persons logic rings true " you're fat and you need to get fit". Turns out that husband had treated himself to a new watch...it beeps when the air pressure changes. Invaluable!  I suspect the purchase of my Fitbit was cover fire for that sneaky sojourn into retail heaven.

So, I went out earlier...I drove to the fast food restaurant to get a butter smothered egg muffin..mmmmm! But everywhere there were people.  Walking, jogging, mountain biking, motor biking.  That sums up Canadians for me...first bit of decent weather and everyone is outdoors. Love it!

Everyone that is except small person who is still in bed watching teenagers play FIFA on their xbox's.  He is a very social child who loves to play out, but he also has this 1970s approach to Sunday's which is to do nothing much and stare at a screen. Roll back 40 years and that would have been me watching Jack Hargreaves and his dog visiting country fairs and horse sales.  Was it great TV? No. Was it the only program on TV on a Sunday morning?  Yes.

So, up at the allotment yesterday - caught up with friends. It's all change in the leadership, new methods of composting are being muted. Water is being discussed.  I walk a fine line between escaping the need to think and getting involved in the work of the place.  I really just want brain peace this year I think.  I emailed the nice neighbour who grows the food for the food back to see if her tractor guy would till my plot, and serendipity saw me asking her just before she was calling him.  Happy days if he can help as that will save me 10 hours of labour.

So why an additional plot, given that my current queendom is 6 times the size of everyone else's?  Well, it was there, orphaned, and I want to find a way to engage small person in some basic life skills, like growing and eating.  He learnt about the pioneers this year, who came to Ontario mostly from Europe and were educated by the First Nation folks in how to farm in this soil. They used a Three Sisters method where you plant climbing bean, squash and sweet corn in the same spot. The corn supports the bean and the squash keeps down the weeds.  I tried it once in the UK but the climate wasn't what was needed.  Given that this is where folks did this as the norm we're giving it a go.

Also I plan to staycation on my allotment this summer.  Plans are underway for a second car, so that I can get out of the house.  Just looking at my Instagram account reminds me that I have been trapped inside for too long this least 6 months.  My husbands firm recently instigated a work at home day once a week, so more freedom there for me, as I can finish work on time once a week and head to the land whilst he's at home when small person gets in from school.

On my vision board for the last two years I had things like "all summer off" and "lengthy summer vacations"...you gotta be carefully what you wish for because it happens before you know it.  I have 2  solo art retreats on the books, plus a week north as a family in August and in the last week I found a deal on a cruise for the small person and I to the Caribbean.  Indulgent - of course. Exciting - very. Why? Because I am super tired everyday, likely working in a role that hinders more than helps me, so I need down time. Change jobs? Challenging as our being in Canada requires that I have this job. I like my work, I just think it's a bit toxic to my personality.  It's super busy, super crazy, super fast. I liken it to working on the stock market...fun but there comes a time when you need to slow down or burn out.

So the next month has us applying for residency, renewing visas, buying a car and completing endless tax forms. When you add all that up, having a rectangle of soil to play in makes perfect sense.

Namaste

How I found Squam

Sharing this story for anyone who believes in, or is looking for examples of, the universe listening and giving us what we sought.  As a romantic at heart I love to believe that is possible, but the Sheldon of my personality always chips in that what is actually happening is my unconscious mind responded to an articulated request.  Whatever!  If you state it, and plan it, it will happen I reckon.  So the story...

About 7 years ago my friend Louise Gale blogged about Squam. She shared photos, and stories and it looked amazing.  She was living in the USA at that time, a Brit abroad. I was a Brit at home, aged 40 with a new baby.  I loved what she wrote and whilst I loved my precious little man I envied her that opportunity to live the life she loved.  My journey to parenthood was over years of fertility treatment, so I also beat myself up a little for having the greatest treasure in the world and still wanting something more.  My clear memory is packing all of my art stuff into a large cupboard and joking to a friend that that  will be in there for 5 years.  As it goes, it was but that's not the story...

Role ahead to 2013 and a cold winters day in NYC. I had by now moved to Canada via work ( wish for it and it happens.  I thank Louise again for guiding me in dream boards and making dreams come true).

  I headed to the airport early as I hate to be late. Traffic was absent, lights were green and I got to Laguardia so early that they put me on standby for an earlier flight. At the risk of sounding provincial I had never been on standby before...it was quite exciting.  I get on that flight, and sit next to a lady wearing a beautiful shawl. I unpack my essentials and settle down.  My essentials being a ball of yarn and a crochet hook.  The minutes I did that she burst out a laugh and said " I don't believe it".  Turns out she was commenting on the odds of sitting next to a fellow yarn nut. Over the course of the flight I learnt that she was high powered exec by day and an awesome sample knitter by night. Folks design patterns and she road tests them.  She gave me great tips about Toronto, my new home, and told me about Ravelry.  Who knew there was a on online community for knitting and such?

A few days later when I had time to stop and not think I checked out Ravelry and there was an icon for Squam...that thing that I had heard about over 5 years before but hadn't thought of since.  I checked it out, I signed up for Fall 2014. I had no means to pay for it and when It came to pay the balance I recall asking Elisabeth if there was a wait list so that some one else could take my spot.  That wasn't possible so I scratched around and found the money somehow and off I went.  It was amazing, and you can read about it in my blog under Squam, Calm and Slow.

So was that fate, serendipity, cognitive something or other? Don't care, it's a recipe for success I reckon. Stop, think, or stop and stop thinking, see what comes into your mind...you want it - ask for it...it arrives.